our endless numbered days

one of the side effects of living, of running through this peculiar obstacle course of accumulated days is the human affliction of retrospection. heidigger argued that the human creature's ability to look into the future & think about non-existence was what separated us from other creatures. as a buddhist, i can say that's what motivates & structures the ethics of my beliefs. the idea of death, it's unexpected but inevitable appearance in ALL our lives, should make me try to live a better life. i mean, who wants to suddenly die eating chips on the couch watching re-runs of hawaii 5-O? our days seemed so endless...who knew they were numbered?

as a buddhist, though, i also know that what we've done in our past will very much impact our future, either the immediate one or the one we've fashioned by our living. you don't have to believe in reincarnation to understand that every contact, every relationship, every moment of our living present ricochets out into the future in an incalculable way. whether we have another life in the future isn't as clear as the fact that this life right now has effects on others that WILL manifest in the future. our being in the world will impact lives well after our being has gone from the world. anyone w/any clear thinking about their families will know exactly what i'm talking about here.

there are artists who focus on this idea of how our past behavior impacts the quality of our present. no living film maker has summoned the exquisite torture of regret like wong kar wai. watching in the mood for love, i felt like i was being physically crippled by a longing beyond regret, beyond human capacity. sam beam of iron & wine has a sense of this too. so many of his songs sound like lullabies to mistakes, accidents, stupid behavior in the past. the suffering in his songs is palpable. in most cases, there's no malicious intent but he is a southerner(a floridian, as a matter of fact!!!)& malicious intent IS sometimes there between the lines. i have to say that committing an act of evil w/malicious intent against a friend & never really acknowledging it would be a hard thing to live with. as years went by, i imagine you'd have to include others(say, loved ones)in the act which then becomes larger, nearly unmanageable(since others are now included, you have NO idea where their feelings will take things). like the young girl in ian mac ewan's atonement, this can lead to shattering, disastrous consequences.

or not.

imagine your malicious actions really never having any real consequences. imagine it not spreading though the social grapevine. imagine the friend never calling you on it, never exposing it to other friends. imagine being forgiven for no other reason than friendship. it happens.

it might not work in hollywood but it does happen.

this iron & wine song is lovely. it's always made me think of my first love, alicia. i was pretty stupid when i was 13yo. i'm not sure i've gotten any smarter since but i'm offering it here for someone else now. they know who they are & their loved one will never be the wiser.

enjoy.